End of a Hard Year

2016
A lot has happened.
I did a lot this year. I took a hard look at my health. I tried new fitness plans. I learned new things about food. I invested so much in my job. I took a couple trips. I gained new friends. I got closer to nature and have found a spirit in it.
But while I was doing all of that I was lying to myself. I thought I was growing as a person but I was really shrinking. I buried who I was deep down to avoid feeling anything.
Depression has been a lifelong struggle.
Low self-esteem has been a lifelong struggle.
I struggle with hearing and accepting a compliment.
I struggle with looking in the mirror and smiling.
I have no problem voicing my opinion loudly for all to hear when I am with friends, family and when posting on social media. However, it has always been impossible for me to freely communicate my emotions to another human being in a way that makes me vulnerable and honest.
Anything important I have had to say I have always had to write it down. I can't speak. I don't know how to speak. I never learned. I don't know. Writing has been my therapy.
I recently took a look at my writings over the last 2 years and all I can see is a blanket over my unhappiness.
No one made me this way.
No one has done anything to hurt me or push me into a hole.
I put myself there.
But I have come to learn more about myself. I now know what I want in life.
I want to be happy.
I want a family of my own. I want the guy and I want my own kids. And not just like 1 or 2. I want like 3 or 4. I want to drag my family on weekend hiking and camping getaways. I want a yard. I want to be close to nature. I want a ranch. I want goats. I want to help people. I want to be the kind, caring, generous, understanding person that I know that I am but I want to be able to express it in the way that I want. I want to feel and express my emotions exactly when they happen. I want to learn. I want to grow.
As Belle would say, "I want adventure in the great wide somewhere. I want it more than I can tell. And for once it might be grand to have someone understand I want so much more than they've got planned"
If I were to ever get another tattoo (I hate tattoos, by the way) it would be that quote. Yes, a quote from a Disney movie.
I spent the last couple of years wanting to disappear and hating everything. I am ready to make choices for myself for once. I am ready to learn to love myself and to begin my journey towards happiness. As much as it hurts right now and as scared as I am this very moment I know that this is what I need to do.
I have learned that the mind is a powerful thing.
Best wishes to 2017!