I suppose I could blame it on the weather. It is February 21st and the snow is still a-droppin! It's always dark and dreary outside and if it weren't for my dog, I'd probably never go outside to see any light of day.
Despite how depressing these couple months have been I know that I have made the right choice for myself. Divorce isn't easy. Being alone isn't easy. It isn't supposed to be. We are programmed to be with other humans.
Living alone has its benefits, though. I get to watch whatever I want to watch. I can listen to whatever music I want to listen to. There is no arguing about where, what or when to eat. I don't have to share anything. I sleep in the middle of the bed. I sprawl out on the entire length of the couch. I only run the dishwasher once a week! And I only have to take the trash out once a week! I don't have to clean as often because I keep a clean house every day and utilize less...crap!
But sometimes, it gets lonely. When I speak out loud I realize that no one will respond. No one is listening. Try as my dog may, she cannot understand me. She looks at me a cocks her head to one side and stares at me intently, but she can't respond. The bed is cold. I miss being a little spoon. I made myself a boyfriend pillow. I lay it along my backside and it is comforting. LOL. I miss sitting at the dinner table with someone. You'd think a single girl would be eating top ramen on the couch while watching Sex in the City. But, nope, I still sit at my dinner table alone every night while listening to the saddest music. I have a glass of wine in the bathtub. Then I make a cup of tea and read in bed until I fall asleep at 9PM.
Single 21 year old Sarah would be at the bar every night, flirting with boys and laughing with friends. I'd stay up until 2AM and sleep in until 11AM. I'm so old now and have responsibilities soooo that just isn't in the cards for me. Being a single at 27 is not something I prepared myself for. I feel so awkward and confused. More so than I did when I was 21. How funny is that? I do spend a lot more time with my friends and I have enjoyed that a lot. I have more time to see my parents. And I just have more time for me.
I have a solo 4 day weekend trip planned in March. I am going to the San Juan islands by myself and I am really excited because I have never done ANYTHING by myself. And by that I just mean that I haven't traveled anywhere by myself. I am hoping that the snow is gone by the time I have to journey across the pass. I am scaaaaaared. But it'll be good.
*sigh*
I don't know what else to say. I am just taking things one day at a time. Some days are good. Some days are even GREAT. But some day really aren't even close to good at all. Some days I just sulk and cry. One day I will "get there" - wherever that is :)
